Here we go gathering Nuts in…..

I know it’s early but we’ve just taken The Tree down. Oh! No! I hear you exclaim. It had to go. The dawter found it on the side of the road just before Christmas. A lovely tall tree with lots of needles that smelt divine. We have a fake tree that we’ve used for over … Read more

Ode to 2020

One potato Two potato Three potato Four. I’m in Tier two so you can fuck off out the door. Five potato Six potato Seven potato Eight You’re in Tier 4 so you can fuck off out the gate. Nine potato Ten potato Eleven potato Twelve Whatever Tier you’re in we’ll have Christmas by ourselves One … Read more

Land Slurry

If my cottage is here, then down the road a bit and turning right will find you in what looks like French countryside. Fields and old trees, the backs of two old cottages made out of ancient brickwork, dovecotes and peach trees, old hedges and my famous avenue. So if you walk down the hill … Read more

Sole Food

The origin of being ‘well-heeled’ comes from cockfighting: a well-heeled cock wore sharp spurs which could cause big damage in a fight. Witness the Orange Cock Womble and his strutting, he wears only custom made Italian shoes as he’s very insecure about his height and his foot size. His little size 8 feet ( you … Read more

From Hero to Eternity

I’m led by my nose. Smells entice me, disturb me but mostly comfort me. My father, a swaggering delinquent, wore ‘Eau de Cologne’. His slicked black Brylcreemed hair and the high notes of Bergamot lingering on his moustache. The bathroom towels, hospital property off the back of a lorry, held the scent for days but … Read more