Speed awareness….

Posted by Jeni in Ad Infinitum | 20 January 2014

The freezer broke. So him and me looked at the internet, had three rows after which we decided on a little under the counter jobby.

We agreed to have it delivered yesterday.

Couldn't do Saturday because he had two shows in 'acknee and I had to go to my speed awareness course on Brighton racecourse. Not literally, it was in a lacklustre outbuilding with pictures of Brighton racecourse winners and celebrity attendees like McMcMcMcriiiickckci, he with the flap-eared hats.

25 of us criminals turned up for 12.30, four hours of speed awareness chat. The wind gusting over the downs and the smell of instant coffee and teabags in the air surrounded us as we took to four tables. There were no biscuits. For £85 you would have thought they 'd have thrown in a Rich Tea or a Nice.

By the time we got to 4.00 I had learnt I had the shortest of tempers and when in a 20mph zone drive in second year, 30 mph drive in third, 40 you guessed it, 50 don't go there and 60/70 are strictly for dual carriageways and motorways.

I learnt that vans have to drive slower, I learnt that there is never ever a legal time to speed and I learnt that I had zero patience. That being treated like an idiot is about the most painful experience I've had since I was at school when I was treated like an idiot.

I tried not to gnaw the edges off my chair - I was to sitting like Christine Keeler because my sciatic nerve went into spasm. When we all started shouting 'tailgater tailgater tailgater' I had lost the will to live.

Four hours of repetition, four hours of trying to respond responsibly. The fact is that 25 of us were on the windswept racecourse because we didn't want three points on our driving license or indeed the indignity of paying a £100 fine for driving at 34 mph in a 30mph zone. Andy and Steve who took the course were very nice gentlemen. But when they asked us what did we want for our £85 I shouted out biscuits, the boys and I knew then that it was going to be a long day.

At 16.29 I was out that door like Red Rum. To be honest I drove home really slowly, I could not have born the irony of getting nicked after a 4hr speed awareness course with nothing but camomile tea inside me….

So Sunday it was. When two very lovely blokes took out the old and carried in with the new. The 'oosbind took down the pantry shelves, and I stacked up all the jars and bottles of beans and pulses. As I write I'm eating the clove-y onion for his gammon i've cooked. All the old freezer food had to be used up so I made:

  1. Broad bean dip. A bag of beans, shelled. A slug of Tahini, loadsa garlic and there you have the greenest of green dips.

  2. Brussel sprout soup. Two bags of sprouts, two big onions, loadsa garlic, caraway seeds, a handful of dried peas and lentils and white pepper. The Gammon will go in huge chunks so he has a sort of plea and ham soup.

  3. Salmon. Cooked for 4minutes a side in a little olive oil and butter.

The ice creams and sorbet went the way of the melted ice cubes - down the sink. Two huge bags of bread rolls went into the oven. By the time we got to eat them they were rock hard. I could have pitched a tent using the ciabatta instead of a mallet.

The saddest moment was the tiger prawns. A big box of monster seafood from my fave Spice shop. I threw olive oil and butter in a wok, loadsa garlic and chilli flakes, the last of the Christmas sherry and cooked those bad boys until the grey had turned plink and the kitchen smelt like the Amalfi Coast. Unfortunately they tasted like Sponge Bob Squarepants' pants. So rather than food poisoning they went the way of the sorbet boxes and ice cream cartons.

The husband and I watched four eps of THE BRIDGE. I wanna be Danish, I wanna be that kind of writer….so much so that today I've signed onto a writing course, starting in February, every Thursday night for eight weeks. I AM SO EXCITED…..For 8 Thursdays I will drive to Brighton, park my little red car and learn structure, shape and just what it takes to write something as brilliant as THE BRIDGE.

I've just had two bowls of BS soup. Delicious. I've had a dollop of BB dip, the mad Solly has decided to stretch his soft body out on my lap, the poor little soul is covered in my lipstick, since I've been kissing him whilst fighting off his purrfect pink paws.

Can't be bothered with the News again. I will listen tomorrow and later as I have a very light pencil for Wednesday, I may or my not be sitting in for the famous gran.

I'm yogaing lots this week, in-between writing comedy drama with Ms S.

I'm told it's never too late to start something new. On Sunday I'm going on a very interesting course. The old git said he didn't mind me not being here. So from 10.00 through till 5.00 I will be learning a whole pile of even newer things. Who said you can't teach an old bitch new tricks. Woof woof.

Jeni Barnett tells of her scrumptious time at Good Food Live in her first audiobook! Download NOW from iTunes


1. At January 20, 2014 9:52 PM LV wrote:

THAT's more like it. There's no chance of you taking your foot off the gas - is there? aunty Jeni.
Nothing like a little under the counter jobby - always works for me.
Thanks for the laugh - just what i needed.
Love Light

2. At January 21, 2014 11:16 PM 'L' wrote:

Jeni, I can't believe u went to that so called driving awareness course! I agreed to the same sentance 2 months ago and nearly died sitting there like a naughty child having a detension! I almost jumped onto the table halfway through out of sheer bordom and desparation begging for my 3 points so that I could be released!! But instead I took another sip of water and peeled open a Nakad bar and muched away like a hynotised squirrel! The feeling of freedom upon exiting the building was breathtaking! I obediently kept within the speed limit for the next day or so...
Any idea when you'll be sitting in again? Wasn't the circumsision supposed to have been on day 8??
Great to see you're keeping up your fitness, its the key to your well being! Keep all the parts oiled and moving...
All my luv! XXX

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