THE STING

Posted by Jeni in Ad Infinitum | 24 September 2013

This morning I sat in at Radio Kent.

Left the cottage at 7.30, arrived at 7.45.

Sipped on a mug of hot water made for me by the delightful Claire.

Recorded an interview with a 20 year old who saved a family of six from a burning house. He sells insurance but has applied to be part of the fire brigade. He's 6ft 3" with muscles. Unfortunately I was not able to substantiate his beefy body since it was radio.

I ate three oatcakes, didn't finish the nibble when the mic went live. You try saying;

'Hello sdis is Djeni Barthnett' with half a cracker stuck to the roof of your mouth

The phone in was all about the infantilisation of our younger generation. Too many young folk living at home for too long, the dawter left this morning having done her washing and eaten me out of salad and anchovies.

Radio Kent always has music from 10.00 onwards. Elton John, Wham, The Jacksons, the kind of easy listening that Wetherspoons plays on an over '50's' night.

I felt so sad when I came out of the BBC that instead of driving straight home I went and had a coffee in JULIETS. The prettiest, busiest, tea-rooms in Tunbridge Wells.

I made various calls, cancelled various meets and left in tears when Juliet refused to take my money. I have no idea why. She said that was what a community café was all about.

Got home and made two slices of bacon - I DONT EAT MEAT - an indication of my state of mind, half an onion, and one tomato fried in with the smokey rashers, then I dolloped half an avocado on the plate. It was really delicious. Watched the lunchtime news shouting and swearing at the insanity of selfish terrorist bombers, and the hypocrisy of the countries who sell arms to these idiots in the first place.

Took a phone-call from a girlfriend who is worried about me. I told her, what I tell you, that my sadness will pass. My sense of self-worth will come back and I will forgive.

Please any of you bloggers who like to hate don't even go there with insulting me because I cannot vouch for my actions at the moment.

Took a phonecall from a dear woman who has organised a huge Charity event this Saturday which I am Comparing....

And then I set off for my pudding. Blackberries without the custard, the crispy apples and the sugar. Walked down the hill and chuntered some affirmations. The sun was September low. The weather warm. The smell of autumn thick in the air.

I nibbled on small blackberries - tasting lemony. The tight ones in the sun next to the dried up berries - not too sweet.

The big blobby ones in the shade required nettle stepping and bramble hopping. Then past two of the hugest mushrooms, the first I have seen this year. I know they're poisonous because they were too good to be true. Walked past the Lime Tree, that is now 25 years old. I remember when it was a sapling, now you can sit under its very limey shade.

When all of a sudden I felt a nip. A sharp sting. A shooting pain on me left bingo wing, and bugger me if some horrible little something-or-other didn't dive into my hanging flesh.

I ran down to the loo. Locked myself in and took off my stripey t-shirt. Just to make sure that the fierce creature hadn't lodged in my sleeve.

The rest of the walk was me monitoring the bite, which got bigger and bigger. I waited to see if I had some kind of anaphylactic reaction which I didn't otherwise I wouldn't be here to tell the tale.

But it don't half hurt mum.

That was three hours ago and I'm still getting sharp little jabs of pain. In fact by the time I got to the farm I was shouting out loudly that it was hurting. I walked the rest of the way with my left hand on my hip - á la John Inman - so that I could keep my arm free.

As I type I'm slathered in antihistamine cream and am typing with my left arm pulled out so that my bloated bingo wing doesn't touch the rest of my body.

Horrible little stinger. I wondered whether I was being punished for all the wasps I have zapped over the summer or whether the sting represented me being stung by Aunty Beeb. All stuff and nonsense. I obviously disturbed a dying wasp. 'Woteva' it don't half hurt mum....

I've cancelled tomorrow so that I can stay at home and nurse my ever increasing arm.

So on october 14th I shall be travelling with OLLIE SMITH to Oregon and California for The Travel Channel. If all goes well. We will be the Thelma and Louise of the wine trail. Fingers crossed - if my big arm allows - it goes to plan.

Then I'm at Radio London from October 28th for a week.

And then it will be Novmber and all of us will say 'where has this year gone.'

I did have a moment before when I was sent the details of FILTER Theater Company who are performing there wonderful TWELTH NIGHT at the Park Theater.

They are absolutely brilliant I thought I could get them on the show.....and then I remembered there wasn't a show. BUT THERE WILL BE.....I keep telling you watch this space.

Jeni Barnett tells of her scrumptious time at Good Food Live in her first audiobook! Download NOW from iTunes

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