Lá Fhéile Pádraig Shona duit -

Posted by Jeni in Ad Infinitum | 17 March 2012

The old gits got his new iPad so I can see him when he is away. My idea so that there are no excuses for not having a televised conversation with him once he's laid down his Greek and Spanish costumes.

'1,035 songs on 'ere.' He just said. 'Good Lord.'

I don't care about the songs I only care that I'll be able to nag him from 112 miles away and see whether or not he's eating his greens.

Which reminds me LV. I would never give up my baked beans, beans on toast is my dying dish. Reminds me of my parents kitchen with the Ascot and mangle when Dr. Kildare was curing everybody and Bruce Forsyth was monochrome.

This is the last Saturday before my birthday, the last Saturday before I'm on my own. The last Saturday that I am 62. The last Saturday that I intend wearing a back brace. I'm doing everything in my power to get my blasted back better. My lumber 4/5 has been so umcomfortable that I have been eating pain killers like they are Mint Imperials.

I have evidence from all my old girl friends that their backs went when their mothers appeared to be getting to the end of the line.

I visited my mother on Thursday and witnessed her pain. Ulcerated legs, that are taking forever to heal. Witnessed her humiliation when Howard the nurse had to help her with her intimate moments. Her sadness at her inability to deal with the pain, and having to reveal it in front of me.

'It's not like childbirth' she said. 'At least that pain was productive.'

And I stand on helplessly knowing there is absolutely nothing I can do. So my diaphragm tightens with the shock and my lower back muscles go into spasm whilst my arms and legs go numb with the reality of her journey, and then mine. When the stark reality of life hits then the solar plexus speaks and reminds us children of the 50's that however much you try, a romantic break with Jake Gyllenhaal, ain't never going to happen. I watched 'Love and Other Drugs' with Mr. Gyllenhaal and Ms Hathaway and cried so violently at the end that even Gods Gift sympathised and gave me a new box of tissues.

When Joe Jackson wrote his song about sad songs he was bang on. Sometimes its important to turn to music or art, film or theatre to have that cathartic moment that empties the well of sadness. I imagine there will be quite a lot of tears when the old man goes, so I'm stocking up on Rom-Coms, indeed as we speak the 'oosbind is on his hands and knees attempting to fix the skarp lead so that I at least have a television to watch. Bloody Mercury in retrograde!

We met up with the dawter yetserday and had a Spanish meal in Old Compton Street, he carrying his new i-Pad thingy, B carrying her earphones and me carrying the weight of the world. Nobody knew how heavy my load was, not even me, I only realised this morning, when The Bibby boy laid his osteopathic hands on me. I could feel myself uncoil like a knotted silver chain. The pain passed down my legs into my feet which started tingling.

As I write I have three back braces on - better safe than sorry - have taken 2 painkillers and have confidence that I'm getting better. Advice from thems that know is do what you can do. Feel what you can feel and get on with life.

I've found an extraordinary affirmation which you say to your cellular structure, telling it to allow you to be yourself, and beautiful and powerful and that you have a real reason to be here. I will post it if any of you want it, but meditating - all be it I cant cross my bleeding legs - helps.

Were I in Galway I would be living it large for St. Patricks Day, as it is I'm at home in East sussex with the only green thing to hand - a wilted Savoy Cabbage. My half irish partner says we should crack open the Guiness and be damned.

So that's what he'll do, I'll try and find a romantic comedy as he cries into his stout.

Lá Fhéile Pádraig Shona duit -

Jeni Barnett tells of her scrumptious time at Good Food Live in her first audiobook! Download NOW from iTunes

Comments

1. At March 17, 2012 2:56 PM Lindy Fleetwood wrote:

On darling Jeni let this also be the last very last Saturday that you hang on to the guilt that is not your to carry, you have done all that you can and more there is no guilt to carry by anyone!! Strange your anxiety gets you in the back my get me in my balance which is absolutely rubbish at the moment like a flipping wonky donkey!! Huge hugs and love to all xxhugxx

2. At March 17, 2012 10:00 PM LV wrote:

ABSOLUTELY - not much better than a plate of hot buttered toast with baked beans.
My dying dish: Fish chips and mushy peas with a pot of tea! With lashings of vinegar and tartar sauce on the side. LUSH. Who'd have thought on the highway to heaven, i stopped off on the motorway cafe.
I'm too easy pleased with food to have a fancy schmancy discerning palette.

Cathartic is good Jeni. As i get older, i conclude that whatever gets it out of the system - can only be a good thing.
Yes bloody Mercury retrograde again. And i'm having paperwork and laptop trouble right on cue. We've also just had a Grand Trine. Followed by a grand time in June with the Transit of Venus.
Lots of us this year feeling the pressure to clear out the deep rooted dross, whatever the cost. Few of us can do that without walking in and out of the fine blade of despair. Followed by its blessed release. And all the physical emotional and mental manure that it brings with it.
We can't know anything about the lighter side of life without having the dark to campare it with, or we learn nothing. It's not easy schooling is it?
Some are in kindergarten - some are at the top of their game - waiting to graduate.
This year is said to promise easy ascension for those who learn to master some of the toughest energies and emotions they will ever know. And like any test, we're never grateful for it - until we know we have passed.

It might be Happy Shamrock saturday. But i've loads of paperwork to do. And i keep putting it off. Deep breath.

ps. As a fellow meditator, as you know. Please tell us the affirmation?
Love Light LV
...

3. At March 18, 2012 12:06 AM Bail Bonds wrote:

Tweeted your post!

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