Jeni Barnett

On Saturday I drove us to a wedding in Surrey I drove like an arsehole and got us lost on the way there, and on the way back. If we had set off to get to Uzbekistan we would have done less mileage. The bride wore white, I wore trainers. The brides mother wore green … Read more

There are about 70 million of us rubbing along together in Great Britain. Let’s say 70%, (there are fewer than that ) are immigrants, asylum seekers and refugees; that still leaves 49 million of us with white faces and St George’s flags flapping on our concrete forecourts. So what the fuck is Nigel-don’t-call-me-a-racist-Farage worried about? … Read more

Phase two of the Kidney Kapers. I had dialysis on Wednesday. Back to four hours but I’m coping by self medicating with acupuncture needles and two known points. One in the hand one in the foot, so I’m able to tolerate the jumpy legs and dry mouth, Having said that Wednesday was a big day. … Read more

Tinkerbell Schneider is my porn name. Trixie McVay is the old gits. You can find yours by taking your mothers maiden name and your first pets pawname. My mother’s family were all tailors – hence Schneider -but to get accepted in 1930’s England my grandpa anglecised them and turned them into Taylors. I was brought … Read more

I’ve got a pink sharpie dot on my right hand, a pink sharpie dot on my left hand and a pink sharpie dot under my big toe in the soft bit. The dots painted by my German Acupuncturist who arrived last Saturday. I’d had a turn. My dialysis pump had been blocked and after five … Read more

When I was 13 I got my first review. Gilbert & Sullivan, a school production. The Borehamwood Post said I was the next Dora Bryan – a lithe, comedienne who lived in Brighton. However, longside my rave review was a damning paragraph that said I ‘Couldn’t sing for toffee.’ The gauntlet had been well and … Read more

My grandmother – Bubba Sophie – lived in a tenement block in the East End of London. She had an outdoor toilet and her sister Aunty Becky, who lived upstairs. My Nan had blonde hair, which I only found out was dyed in my mid teens. She looked like Sophie Tucker. Her three rooms comprised … Read more

We’re born with 20 teeth and grow into 32. I now have 22 with two fake ones on the top right. The whole set are shiny and white and allow me to smile confidently. But not for long. Here comes the history of the destabilisation of my septuagenarian mouth My extractions started when I was … Read more

I slid off my bed, tied up my trainers and put a Lidl’s puffa jacket – orange from the middle aisle £9.99 – over my pyjamas. It was 5.30. I set off down the hill, turned right towards the avenue. The sun was already peeking over the clouds. All was dead quiet save for the … Read more

I made lunch for two of our agents. He was our bass player in ‘Belt and Braces’ (that’s not his outfit it was the name of our theatre group) when he was 18, he’s now 62. She was a dancer and still has the grace of a trained hoofer. I made Goan fish curry and … Read more